Believing the BS

December 23, 2013

I am still behind one post, if my self-imposed “post-a-day-for-a-month” crap is anything. In my head, it just means I need to do a creative post, like I said I would. I have been thinking a lot about a few writing projects while working on some crafts and such.

I was thinking a lot about how much work can be accomplished in one day. I could have gotten so much more done today. I should have made a plan. I should have followed it. I should have put a bra on today, or maybe some real pants.

Bullshit.

It’s so easy to get caught up in your own head, in your own bullshit. I am fairly certain that has been my creative writing problem lately, because that’s always my problem. There’s some kind of crap that I can’t seem to shut out or get over, and somehow I continue to let it trip me up.

The thing that usually shakes things up for me and gets me creating again is traveling. Gaining some kind of perspective. So I dunno. Maybe I just need to get away for a few days, clear my head, see something new. Maybe not. On one hand, I want to think about it a bit before doing/going anywhere. On the other, I just want to give into impulse.

Feeling Blue

December 22, 2013

One of the best days of the year is winter solstice. This, of course, is because we get more hours of daylight. We had thunderstorms last night, which I mostly slept through, fitfully, however. I dreamed I was online shopping, for things I don’t need. In the dream, I was arguing with myself, that this so-called retail therapy would not make me feel better. Rather, doing kindness to others would help assuage whatever sadness plagued me. The dream seemed to have more of an end than most dreams, in that I didn’t listen to my better sensibilities, made the order anyway, and regretted the indulgence. If nothing else, my subconscious seems to think I should be more frugal, more kind, and to listen to reason. Can’t say I disagree with any of that.

This morning, there was sunshine, which made me happy. I cannot even remember the last time I saw sunshine. That might be a bit hyperbolic. I think I recall some sunshine while I was at work last week. I took a photo of my blue hair in the light. And my blue nails, which I need to swap out the polish on since I accidentally took it off two fingernails when I was de-blue-ing my bathroom sink last night. blue

I like the blue hair, though I think I might like the blonde even more. I think I might go blonde this summer, just for fun. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed radical changes of appearance. It’s kind of fun to wander outside, a blue aberration from the norm. I like it for the social experiment aspect of it, even if I don’t always enjoy the idiotic assumptions people make about it. So much for people saying shit like, “I don’t care if someone is white, black, brown, or purple.” Someone walks into a room with bright green skin, folks are gonna take notice and have something to say about it. They certainly seem to get a chuckle out of blue hair, too. If your assumption about my blue hair is anything other than I am awesome, I probably don’t want to know about it.

So anyway, this post isn’t so much about feeling blue as being blue. Or something.

Winter Break

December 21, 2013

I went to sleep before writing anything last night. I was going to write something this morning, but I was feeling incredibly unfocused. It’s the first full day of winter break, and I just felt like sleeping all day.

Instead of sleeping all day, I made myself do a household chore that I have been putting off for months. I cleaned the stove. Then I made myself run a few outside errands. Then I finished knitting a hat and forced myself to get my shit together and go to a friend’s house for a crafternoon. I wasn’t even out of the house 2 minutes when I got a weird nod from some dude driving down my street. Either my brand new bleach blonde hair was the culprit, or the super short skirt I was wearing. Or, I was just walking down the street and dude was an asshole. Did I mention it’s 60 degrees in Ohio in December? Nope? Well it is, and it’s pretty flipping awesome.

At this point, I don’t have bleach blonde hair anymore, because that was hours ago, and I’ve since dyed my hair a pretty vibrant blue. It’s kind of an Alice in Wonderland blue, though it’s a little annoying trying to get the lighting right in a selfie. I half blinded myself with the flash on my cell phone camera just to get it right.

I have one last thing to make for the holidays, and then I am done with the annoying gifting part and ready to hang out with my family. Another thing I am hugely looking forward to is that some of my best friends in the world (who happen to live far away) are in town, and there’s a chance for two of them to finally meet face to face. They only know each other through me, and they’re such total peas in a pod, it’ll be wonderful to actually see them meet in person. Hoping I can help make that happen! Pretty much the three of us are the Powerpuff Girls. If we ever all end up at DragonCon at the same time, we should totally do that group costume. It would be amazing. Oh, how I have digressed!

I think I have gotten winter break started off all right. I really need to get things more organized in my life right now, so that is what I am focussing on. So tomorrow, my goal for blogging is to do two posts. One in the same sort of blathering vein I have been doing just about all month, and one creative piece. I think more than anything, when I am talking about getting organized, I am talking about my creative endeavors. I need to make a plan and follow it, or at the very least, see where it leads me.

Suitcase

December 19, 2013

A lot happened today. So I think I’ll just do a roundup.

1. I felt like crying all day. Not sure why. Maybe weird lingering closure over the conclusion of Locke & Key. Maybe not. Dunno. It wasn’t awesome. The feeling, that is. Locke & Key’s finale was solid. I had some migraine issues so probably that factors in. Just kept telling myself it would pass, and I’m actually feeling less weird now, so yay for that.

2. Weird awesome luck. Last night at trivia I found a parking spot right in front of the bar. And today I found a spot right in front of the post office where I was mailing stuff to a friend across the state. I am so impatient about those arriving on time. Cannot wait to see my friend’s reaction to the silly things I sent for her holiday party. IF they get there on time. If not, still looking forward to that reaction. My parking luck has been duly noted and appreciated, so the next time I have a hard time finding a spot somewhere, I will remember this awesome streak of luck.

3. Office white elephant gift exchange. My contribution was a knitted scarf that took me like 17 hours to make. I used yarn that my ex-husband picked out for a hat I was never going to make him. Well, neener neener, I can knit hats now, and now I don’t have your stupid yarn cluttering up my stash anymore. And the co-op student scored the scarf. Oh, the co-op student. That kid. Hahaha. So, he apparently has a friend who works at Spencer’s and he asked her to pick something out, which she did. She wrapped it and apparently cackled wildly about it. He didn’t really think much of it. Til the gift was opened at work and it was a COCK COZY (pretend I just shouted that into a megaphone). Oh my damn, how we laughed. He was so embarrassed that he called his friend and told her off for her prank. The dean walked into the office and we rushed to hide it from her. It was like, “Put it in this bag. No, it won’t fit in there.” And then we all laughed our asses off at that while the person who was holding it hid it from sight. Best office gift exchange ever.

4. Yelp event. It was pajama themed so I showed up wearing my unicorn onesie. It was at a salon just down the street from my apartment. I could have walked there in 10 minutes. In the unicorn costume. It isn’t even that cold here right now, so I totally could have. But I drove over for two reasons. One, I am getting over bronchitis, and two, I had a car full of suitcases. I’ll get to that in a minute. The event was neat. I walked in and our Yelp Community Manager saw me in my unicorn jammies and was like, “OMG is that even real?” Got my eyebrows waxed, got my nails did, and chatted with some people. Really nice to step away from such hardcore introversion and mingle a bit.

5. Suitcases. After work today, before the Yelp event, I had to drive way to the east side of town and pick up some suitcases I won in an auction. This part of Ohio is so weird that I had to drive to Kentucky and then back across the river to get there the simplest way. I bid on these suitcases so I could clean them up and turn them into containers for crafting. Bonus on scoring an entire tower of suitcases is that at least one friend was looking for 1 or 2 for the same reason, so now I can share this cool score. I totally thought I was going to get outbid at the last minute. That didn’t happen, so I had to pay up and pick them up. I want to fix one up for zine supplies, and I have this weird idea about turning another one into a roving tea party case. Not tea party in the terrible jerkface politicians who have sullied the name “tea party” sense, but awesome, with tea to drink, and snacks and stuff. Some lady told me that some old guy who is a known local re-seller said that one of the cases was worth some actual cashy money, so I’ll have to look that up and figure out if I can turn a profit on it. If so, more funds for crafts and for ye olde DragonCon fund.

So it was a bit of a whirlwind of a day. I like days like that, but they also can be so exhausting. I am glad I only have one more work day and then it’s winter break (don’t have to be back to work til Jan 2nd) and I can take some time to make some project progress and get more organized.

*editing to add- I woke up this morning and realized I hadn’t really clarified my lame excuse for needing to drive to something that I could have walked to in ten minutes. Trust that it has everything to do with laziness. The idea was that every time I drove somewhere, I could grab a couple of the suitcases from the tower and bring them inside. Which was what I did. Had to make a third trip just to get it done, and now my apartment is filled with 6 suitcases that need cleaned up, and one thing that turned out to be a wig box. Neat.

First Zine

December 18, 2013

I made my first little zine-like book last night. It was really more of a holiday card, and kind of more like a song book. I was going to write the whole thing out, but I forgot that Sharpies bleed through (especially on plain copy paper). It was a good lesson on technique, though, that I will have to be mindful of in the future. So, content-wise, this was basically just a re-writing of the “12 Days of Christmas,” so all I really needed to write were the the 12 things, which is the way I ended up doing it. Simplify!

It only ended up being a few pages long, but still, I’m calling it my first zine. One of a kind! Small project, successfully completed, in an evening. I think once I get into a groove on making these and work out some of the kinks, this is going to be so freaking awesome. It’s a really fun outlet for my creative energies, and I really like the idea of being able to reproduce a bunch of them, once I get some templates made and such.

I was going to write a little more about this, but today was last issue of Locke & Key day, and I really want to just read it and cry myself to sleep. I have only looked at a few of the pages, and already it is looking like I am going to be a bit upset with the story. I don’t often get that tied up in a storyline that I have that kind of reaction, but this has been such a beautifully crafted and illustrated story, that I am not sure I can really help it in this case. And I’m cool with that, because reading this story has been an absolute joy, even at the times it was like getting my heart ripped out. I might make tomorrow’s post about that, actually, not the icky emotional stuff, but about Locke & Key.

Thick-Skinned

December 17, 2013

Someone recently told me to make sure I have thick skin, so that I can deal with fallout that is almost certain to happen. This person paused for a moment and then continued, “You’ll be fine. You’re good with rolling with the craziness around here.” I think things are about to get a bit tenuous for a bit at work, but it will all be okay. There’s a transition that needs to happen, that is well overdue to occur, and I think it’s finally going to happen soon. It’s not a bad thing or anything like that, it’s just something that has been handled less than awesomely, and my patience is waning.

I am not sure at what point in my life I became someone with a thick skin. Kind of like I am not sure when I became a person who makes her bed every morning. And I am not sure when I became someone who sleeps better when she says goodnight to certain people. Or when it was that I became a morning person. In a funny little way, behaviors become habit, become a part of us. We change, we grow, we adapt to our surroundings. We evolve.

Sometimes I wish I could make things easier for the people who are giving me a hard time. It’s something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I think that even more than being thick-skinned about this weird work situation, I need to figure out a way to create solutions to the problems (real and imaginary, because there are totally both of those going on here). I think I ruffled a few feathers in the past week, as my patience has begun to falter, but I think, vague and boring as this post is, that I can turn this around into something positive that will change things for everyone for the better. At least, that is what I am going to try to accomplish. Hopefully not until after winter break, though, because there’s only 3 more work days til I am free for two solid workweeks.

It isn’t often that I worry about work at home. This didn’t use to be the case. I used to get so caught up in it that I would take such stupid emotional work baggage home with me. I am not sure how that happened, how I was that person, but I know I learned to shake it off when I finally got a job that wasn’t soul-suckingly horrible. Nothing changed my life for the better like the last time I got laid off. Sometimes I think about what a beautiful day that was, not just because it was an oddly warm sunshiny November day, but because it was so momentous. Everything since that point, for the most part, has been about me heading in more positive and awesome directions. So now, even though I am thinking a little bit about work tonight, and I think I had a little seed of worry in my gut over it, I feel better now that I’ve tapped out some words about it. That act helped to remind me that I can turn the negativity that has been happening lately around simply by how I react to it.

Clothing Swap

December 16, 2013

clothingswap

Making one of those faces that makes my mom say, “Oh honey, can’t you smile?” Yes, I can, and I do, quite often. Smiling is the shit, yo! Speaking of things that make me smile, check out my sweet poster from that time I met the awesome ladies of Shonen Knife.

Anyway, this dress was my favorite score at the clothing swap I went to yesterday. I almost didn’t take the sweater, but I liked the look of it with the dress, so I figured, what the heck? One of my favorite parts of the swap is liberating items from my closet that will look great on others. I actually brought the item most lusted after, that would fit none of us who were present, sadly. Curses to stretch-free fabrics, right? I think we’re doing another swap in a few months. Certainly, I will be ready to part with some more stuff by then. Yay, less closet clutter, and double yay for when my old clothing looks even more awesome on other people than it ever looked on me. Actually, that part is extra fun because usually it’s not something someone else would have even tried on in a store, so it makes it extra awesome when they find something that suits them well. Oh, and another awesome thing is that my friend planned to take the un-swapped clothes to the “Dress for Success” program at her institution.

Moving on from that, I had some more ideas today for making some progress on some writing projects. It’s funny, sitting here wearing someone else’s clothes, I think about writing from that frame of mind. Which, honestly, that is kind of a ridiculous idea, but it’s really just more fiction. Haha, I like how I contradicted my own line of thinking mid-sentence. Oh, writing, you sultry minx. Clearly, I’ve gone from pensive to silly in no time, so I think I will just stop right there, with a picture and a messy rambling thought.

Late Post

December 16, 2013

I climbed into bed last night and realized I hadn’t made my daily boring post. I decided I would rather sleep and make two posts the next day, so this is the first of those. I am finally starting to feel better since I fell ill. I haven’t been taken out by sickness like this since my slipped disc issues last year.

Yesterday afternoon, I managed to clean my sick, sad self up a bit and head over to a clothing swap that a friend organized. Maybe this evening’s post should be of the cute dress I got there. Or maybe I’ll bundle up in all the things and post that. Haha. I think at one point I was wearing three dresses and two cardigans, just trying stuff on.

I was glad I cleaned myself up and went to this event. Met some neat folks, and might have even networked something awesome for the future. I definitely felt like I gained some more confidence for some of my ideas, too. Even if I was just sitting there, barely propping myself up on the couch, trying to listen to the conversations going on, because my own voice was still raw from being sick.

No symbolism in my loss of voice, here, really! I promise.

It’s that time of year with yearly best-of lists and reflections on the past. I tend not to be much for reflecting on things, I think because I’d rather focus more on continuing to make improvements. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t look back and try to figure out instances where I messed up, so I can correct for it in the future. And that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t also look back at successes, the biggest of which being graduating from NKU in May. That took a lot of hard word and determination, and I think if I want to succeed on my future projects, I need to remember how hard I worked to get my Masters Degree so that I can throw that kind of energy and time into it.

What does any of that have to do with the folks I have been hanging out with lately? For me, it matters a lot. The idea of building community and creating art and projects together, about speaking up for women’s rights and all kinds of equality, it all connects. And if I want to do these things, every little burst of confidence I get from the community reminds me that the hard work and everything is worth it, that ultimately, what I am doing is worth the effort. Sometimes I hear a terrible little voice that tries to talk me out of awesome ideas, and there’s no reason it should ever drown out the support. I mean, if it’s going to be a constant little annoyance, and another little hurdle, I think it loses power from acknowledgement. See it, face it, get past it, and move on to the awesome thing. And the real ultimate goal here: see a project through to completion. That was an amazing lesson my thesis project taught me. And I knew I wanted to learn that going in, so I designed the project in a way that would help me learn it. I still want to take that project a step further, produce it and put it out there, and I think through some awesome networking and getting my words out there more, I will figure out what step I am missing to make it really happen.

It’s funny, these thoughts were on and off my mind all weekend, while I was drifting in and out of feverish sleeps. In a way, taking that break because I had to kind of helped to reset my mind on what really matters to me. I feel like I have new goals and better defined old goals, and this all fills me with a sense of hope for how much I can get accomplished in the next calendar year, and beyond.

Continuum

December 14, 2013

One of the problems with trying to write a blog post every day is trying to come up with something interesting to say. Since I am incredibly ill and haven’t done much but sleep all day, other than the hour I spent at dance class, despite probably not being well enough to be there, I am really not sure what to post about.

I needed some background noise this morning and saw that there was a sci-fi show on Netflix I hadn’t seen before, so I clicked on it. It’s called Continuum, and, for me, it falls under the category of super problematic science fiction. The tech seems kind of silly, but it’s fun to think about it… even if it’s incredibly intrusive and bridges a gap between people being spied on 24/7 and actually being controlled.

The first episode had a moment that was so racist, I think my mouth was actually hanging open for awhile. Then I realized, all the “good” guys were white, while many of the so-called bad guys were people of color. Later episodes have some serious flunking of the Bechtel test, and many instances of the female lead needing to have her assed saved by a man. Lines grey a bit more about the good/bad guy thing later on, and the female lead seems like a metaphor for “the system.”

Anyway, at this point, I am almost through the entire first season, and I feel compelled to keep watching in case the story actually takes an interesting twist (kind of like how Fringe did in their first season). Current overall assessment is that it’s the kind of show that is probably best to watch while feeling like twelve kinds of hell. And if it ends up getting worse, at least I can warn friends off from wasting their time with it. I guess.

Bronchitis

December 13, 2013

I finally caved into actually believing I am sick. I decided to go to work, even though I spent half the night tossing and turning because my throat hurt so badly. In my head, in and out of consciousness, I was conflicted between going to work to get some last-minute papers from my students or calling in sick and going to the doctor. I ended up doing both, realizing after a meeting that I needed to call the doctor and see if I could get in. Luckily, they had an opening at the doctor’s office, so I left early.

The doctor said from my symptoms that I most likely have bronchitis, so that was that. Went to the pharmacy for some meds and such. I got some cough drops and a few other things while I was there. While waiting for the automated text to let me know that my prescription was ready, I went to the awesome Indian restaurant across the street, which ended up being the only thing I could get myself to eat today. Other than some sketchy “Pecan Pie” flavored Pringles that I found at the Walgreens.

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I knitted some, listened to Science Friday, tried and failed to nap. I think I was almost asleep when my little orange cat decided the thing that would make me feel best was petting her. Who could resist (ignore) her insistent cries and headbutts?

After that, I listened to the new BeyoncĂ© album that the Internet was exploding about. It was pretty damn amazing. Can’t wait to give it some more spins. While I was listening, I made some art. Getting closer to really being able to visualize a project I started earlier this week. Hopefully, I’ll make some more progress on that this weekend. At the moment, my head is so fuzzy, I can barely remember what day it is.

I had to bail on an open mic tonight, since I have almost no voice. I really felt gutted about missing it, and will probably have to miss the one going on tomorrow night as well. By 9pm, I needed to decide whether or not to bail on my dance class. I decided what the hell, might as well attempt to go. Worst case I either pass out or cough so hard I barf. Though for the time being the coughing is under control, I expect it to get worst before it gets better. So, I guess I had better rest up for class, but more importantly, I hope the rest helps me heal faster. I am such crap at being sick, and the slight fever I have been running all day makes everything all squishy and weird. <-likeso