Voter Turnout, Continued
Interview from the Scurvitan Sandbox Podcast:
“Hi, this is Magby Aarhus, and I am pleased to welcome you to my latest podcast, wherein I interview the scientist behind the Election Day Hoax.
I have with me here long-time resident of Scurvytown, Matisse Batiste, who works in Research and Development at the Squatter Foundation.
MA: Now, Matty, as I understand you prefer to be called, you have been conducting this research for twenty-four years now, are you able to tell us what inspired it?
MB: I was about twenty-eight years old when I got the idea for this project. We were being bombarded with political ads non-stop for that year’s Presidential election, and I was sick of it. I stopped turning on my TV, stopped listening to the radio, stopped reading the newspaper, and when it came time to vote, I felt like my head was clear from all the static of campaigning for the first time in ten years.
MA: Let me do some quick math here, so this would have been, what, only your second time voting in the Presidential election?
MB: Yes, but you see, there’s the mid-terms elections, the in-betweensies, and the yearly ones, and it’s all kind of the same static, just noise noise noise!
MA: I understand. So, it occurs to me, that if a person were to impose a media black-out on himself, how would he then be informed enough to cast his vote in the election?
MB: Well, by party lines of course!
MA: I see, but then how do you know which party stands behind which issues?
MB: Youth today, I swear! Kid, you’re born into the parties, don’t you know anything? You kids don’t know what I’ve done for you! All the research, all the strides I’ve taken to make voting a more positive process! What a gift you’ve been given, to vote straight down the party lines, with no interference from campaign propaganda and biased media outlets!
MA: Matty, I sense you are getting upset. So let’s take a five-minute break, and we’ll let the listeners hear a few of the political ads that were running during this year’s campaign.
MB: Thank you, my dear, I just get so wound up over this issue, you see.
MA: Okay folks, while Mr. Batiste takes a little break, I am going to play for you some of these campaign ads that those of us who reside in Scurvytown did not get to hear before Election Day.
If you’ve been living under a rock or under fake-invasive species lock-down, here is some background info about the Presidential race.
For the Socialite Party, Oatricia Carroway is the Presidential Candidate, and Logan Spicer is her Vice-Presidential running mate. Of note is that former talk-show host Oaty Carroway’s first name was a typo made by the hospital where she was born, and she opted for the unique name rather than going with Patricia, as her mother had intended.
Then you have the Re-Stance party, lead by Presidential Candidate Dwight Dwizzlebee, and his running mate, Ginger Hart. The first advertisement was for his campaign, and here it is in its entirety:
“Socialite Party candidate Oatricia Carroway’s name was a typo on her birth certificate. Oaty Carroway is an error that was never corrected. She may embrace life’s mistakes, but you should ask yourself if that is the right thing for America. Don’t make a mistake when you vote this Election Day! Vote for Dwight Dwizzlebee, America’s next true leader. This ad paid for by Re-stancers Against Typographical Errors.”
“Dwight Dwizzlebee wants your daughters to grow up to become prostitutes. And that is why he has chosen former call girl, Ginger Hart, to be his running mate. Do you want your children to grow up to lead a life that was once a jail-able offense? Say no to vice, vote for Oaty Carroway, a true believer in the morals and values of society. This ad brought to you by Socialites for Social Justice.”
Advertisement 3 (a response to Advertisement 2):
“Hi, I am Dwight Dwizzlebee. The Re-stance party is all about giving people second chances. That is why I have been up front from the start about the fact that my Vice Presidential running mate was once a high-priced call girl. I believe that when you turn down a dark path in life, there is a way out. There is always a hope for turning your life around. And Ginger Hart may have put herself through college all the way to a Ph.D in political science using money she earned as a call girl, but once she got her degree, she put that life behind her and started giving back to the community, starting off by helping many of her former colleagues to get honest jobs, in addition to helping to pass the legislature that legalized prostitution in our great country. So before you throw away your vote this Election Day, think about the second chances you got in your own life, and vote Dwight Dwizzlebee. Give me a first chance to make a good impression on our country’s future.”
MA: Okay, folks, we are back with a refreshed Matisse Batiste to discuss more about what the media is calling our country’s worst ever political scandal. In fact, it’s so bad that they are having a re-vote for all citizens of Scurvytown.
MB: I’d like to interject about that, if I might, Magby.
MA: Certainly, Matty.
MB: Well, I think the real crime here is all my tarnished data. Now that people have seen all the same ads, I’ve lost my control group, and it just really stinks, to be honest.
MA: According to the reports, you will be able to use the data from the polls for your research this one last time, though it seems that only five percent of eligible Scurvitans even bothered to vote.
MB: Yes, one last bit of data. I suppose I should be pleased with the fact that I got three successful sets of information.
MA: How difficult has the voter-turn out rate been for your research?
MB: Well, I picked Scurvytown because of its isolation, and because I’ve lived here all my life and am familiar with how the system works. I went to college on the mainland, so I know how different it is to live there. Unfortunately, I didn’t take into account the general apathy of my fellow Scurvitans, and though I had read studies about improving our abysmal voter turnout, I didn’t believe that to be a problem when conducting my research.
MA: How do you feel about the fact that they have put the election results on hold since it came down to both electoral and popular vote based on our little island state?
MB: I think that would be a fascinating subject to research, and as I’ll have plenty of time on my hands while the government tries to figure out whether or not to charge me, I plan on developing a study to research what has gone wrong with our political party system in this country.
MA: You majored in political science in college, but ended up in R&D at the Squatter Foundation, correct?
MB: Yes, it wasn’t what I dreamed of doing while I was a naive student, but I’ve found my niche, now.
MA: And what do you feel your niche is, exactly?
MB: Well, given that I’ve proved that I can successfully pull the strings to guide an entire island of people, I think my next step is clear: in eight years, I will be running for President.
MA: Thank you, Mr. Batiste, it has been a pleasure talking with you this afternoon, but our time is up.
MB: Thank you, my dear, and I would love to contribute more to your program in the future.
MA: Thank you, sir.
Well, there you have it, folks, Matisse Batiste, a man with a plan for America. This is Magby Aarhus, signing off until next time, when I should be casting from a visit to the Mainland. Until then, fearless listeners, chin up, and Scurvitans, make sure you get out there and vote next Tuesday!